How did we get here, I've been asking myself lately.
So much sadness in my life and this world, I thought our relationship would save me.
And it was amazing at the start, the stars aligned and I had no doubt. That you were my person for life, inside and out.
It was 2 years to be exact, that you stole my heart away. Yet on this third year, it feels we've fallen way, way, way, off track. And now my heart is breaking every single day.
You used to hold my hand and kiss me on my forehead. Were excited to see me with a big ol' smile and a hug that took all my pain away.
Now you're on the other side of the couch, and you feel like a stranger to me.
And I feel like I'm drowning in my own anxiety just hoping you'll want to touch me.
Just a hand on my leg, or god damn hold my fucking hand. But it all seems too difficult for you to see me as the amazing partner that I am.
I've given you everything. Every ounce thats in my cup. And now I'm depleted. Not even coffee grounds at the bottom of the mug to scrounge up.
I was blown away by our relationship at the start. So much happiness even with all your big, stinky, farts. You made me laugh, smile and helped me through my lowest life points. I've never experienced someone like you, through both the good and bad parts.
I try to give you reassurance that I'm yours and I'll never leave you. I mean fuck, I even said I wanted to have a kid with you. We wanted to travel the world and go live in other places. Just you and me together against the world, nothing but love written all over our faces. Our love for the world, our future and each other. Just being together is all it seemed we ever wanted.
I saw a family and a life I knew with you I wanted. But here I am now, feeling haunted my the memories of our dreams and of your coldness.
It seems hard for you to look at me now, after this dark hole we've been in. And no matter what, all I'll ever want is for me and you to be back good again.
But I'm not sure I really see that happening, as I feel we've gone too far. And maybe there is no such thing as returning back to our home and sanctuary after all.
I wake up anxious every single day and over analyze your texts. An exclamation point and "I love you" from you and I feel we've beat this mess. But turn right back around and receive a period of short text and I'm back in distress.
I can't keep living like this, it's unhealthy for me.
Im killing my body ever so softly with a love that used to enwrap me. Now that same love, is squeezing every ounce out of me until I can't even find a drip left to have a drink myself.
I can't eat, I'm a bitch and I don't want to do anything but cry on my couch in hopes this is all just a dream. But I don't think it is because I keep waking up to the same thing day after day, just complete sadness, anxiety and feeling stuck. Feeling stuck waiting on you to come back and treat me the way you used to. Because I know you can, I know how amazing of a partner you can be.

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A kaleidoscope is an optical instrument that produces symmetrical patterns of reflected images of colored glass or other materials. The word kaleidoscope comes from the Greek words kalos meaning "beautiful", eidos meaning "form", and scopos meaning "watcher".