If This is Depression, This Shit Sucks.

I'll start off by saying that I am very grateful that these days don't happen too often for me. I am not depressed on a daily basis. I actually feel I am quite a happy and positive person.  I wear rose-colored lenses a lot my boyfriend and family tell me, but whatever I see the good in everything and everyone at first. I  believe everyone deserves a chance or the benefit of the doubt. And while yes, I have had two stalkers in my lifetime so far (that'll get its own blog, don't worry), I don't know why the fuck I still feel that way but...anyways. (See, this is where the title I'm Just Ramblin' comes from. Me on an off-beat tangent.

Back to my shit day and how depression blows.

I woke up today and immediately felt off. I laid in bed to cuddle with the dogs a little extra. Just a few more minutes of snuggles. That's one of my favorite things. So I got up, threw on some shorts and a jacket, grabbed a clip for my hair and headed down the stairs. Zu all excited for the morning, Keeks slowly still coming down the stairs.  She's funny though, because if the front door to go out is already open, she'll gear right up and run out of the door. It's so cute. After their potty and some play time with Zu, I sat on my porch swing my boyfriend made me. It's actual heaven. I nap there all of the time and it's hand made my someone who loves me and that's even more amazing. As I'm chillin' on Instagram (fuck social media man, I have such a love/hate feel for it even though I just started a social media management company. *insert eye roll. To be unpacked another day.), one of the first things I read about was another doberman passing away from DCM. I immediately lost it...

Before Ela passed, I had taken her to the vet maybe, six or seven months prior to get her checked for DCM. Her results came back borderline. So, this means that she is very close to having it, probably already does on a minor scale, but it isn't quite bad enough to give her the medicine and treatments to being the aid in helping prolong life. I question if it was a heart attack too, but I just don't think it was. She was in great health and we walked all the time and for a seven year old weighing 94lbs., she could keep up for a Big Mama Potato girl. Seeing that post just crushed me and I relived that whole entire moment with E, all over again. The look of distress in her face from across the field as I ran to her. I checked her whole body to make sure nothing was broken. I went into mom mode, as they call it. (I also blacked out a good bit, or well my memory blacked it out. A lot of those 20 minutes is really blurry. But in time, pieces have come back to me.) I was calm on the outside but also so panicked, yet rational and knew I had to do everything I could to try. I remember trying to give her CPR just for fucks sake. Then...at some point...I just knew. And I stopped. I held her so close. Her head in my arms, just stoking her face. My baby girl, fading away from me. I felt her final twitch. Her final breath.

Still frozen in fear. Tears pouring down my face. I thought, wow...what a great way for her to go. She was a rescue and had never known the inside of a home, what carpet was, was love was. And I was the first one to give her all of that. She lived in a small outdoor breeding cage before I got her. With me, she got to explore wherever she pleased and went on countless adventures. She got the freedom she always deserved. She died running wide open in the park by my home, a beautiful sunny day, the temperate just perfect, and she was even chasing squirrels. Literally her favorite thing. And while it was indeed a beautiful day of her doing what she loved the most, she was with me and I knew she loved and trusted me more than anything in this world. I could always tell how grateful she was to have this life with me. She always showed me in her own unique ways. But she passed away in my arms, the safest place she could ever possibly be. I know that is exactly how she would have wanted it and it makes me so happy that we experienced that together.

The images flash through my head of my sister showing up to help me (I called her, my best friend Kayla and Chris, my boyfriend pretty much screaming in tears to come help me help her.) She flew through the park barriers in the Jeep down to me. She tried to console me as I clung to Ela's body. She checked to make sure E was actually gone. Kayla showed up next, also with her car to help. Then Chris. He rushed over to me. I remember just looking at him with a puffy face full of tears and he just fell to the ground with me to hold me and hold E. We cried together for several minutes. I don't remember much after that, besides I was moved to the walkway as they put her body in a blanket, wrapped her up and lifted her into the Jeep. I remember specifically seeing her head hanging out of the blanket. That is an image that I relive more often than I would like to. After that, I don't even remember how I got home.

There was a video I saw a few months ago with Billy Bob Thornton, talking about the death of his brother and how it has affected him over the years. He said "I'm 50% happy and 50% sad at any given moment". I have never felt words speak more true. That is how I live on a daily basis. Majority of the time, I am happy, positive and optimistic, but I also know that I carry melancholy in me 24/7. I can always feel it looming. So when I say I get these flashbacks and relive that day with E, on rough days like today, that is what I mean. Those memories just completely swarm my head and don't let anything positive in. I walk this fine line between total sadness and slightly optimistic that makes me feel...numb. Like a walking zombie. My head is blurry. My eyes are glassy. I have no emotions. I cry when the sadness wins. But I always remember something positive at the end.

So if this is what I get; the sporatic and random, occasional day of depression instead of being truly depressed every single day. I'll take it. Because this feeling sucks dick. I can't imagine feeling this way every single day. No wonder suicide is a big factor in depression. This is no way for someone to feel. So, I'll take my one day every few blue moons to mourn my girl. I bring her stuffed animal version Chris got me down to hangout these days. And now we are going to cuddle and maybe nap. Thanks for listening to me let out my sadness. I feel better now. xoxo.